i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize