Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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