Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
