So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I will be naked everywhere
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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