dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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