you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
