I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
