its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
