i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
