The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
