drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
