My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
