i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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