Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
