i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
