You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
