It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
