I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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