my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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