Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
