i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
