He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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