hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
