idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You are a genius and a whore.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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