C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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