i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
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