3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
