so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
