You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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