you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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