glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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