alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
