ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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