some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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