please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
