Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
