I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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