Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize