textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
