I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
