Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
