He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
high people should be assigned attendants
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
