Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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