You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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