ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
