Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
