OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
did i walk over a car last night?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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