I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
