I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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