I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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