I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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