that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
