you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So squirting runs in the family.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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