I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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