Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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