True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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