sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You need Xanax blowdarts
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize