New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
