I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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