It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
