we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
