When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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