Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
